Get Out the Lollipops

What I heard, what I hoped, and what actually happened

This is a rant. Not a cute one.

And yes, it’s—marginally—about women’s bodies, so if that already feels like too much—stuff like tampons, cramps, menopause—you are free to excuse yourself. I’ll write about the absurdity of LA or dating clowns next time.

So…a few years ago, I was seeing this guy when the hot flashes started.
He said, very plainly: I cannot date a girl in menopause.

Noted. And still noting. And still furious.

Fast forward to today. I’m lying on my back with a sheet of gauzy paper draped over me like it has been personally wronged. My feet are in stirrups. There is a conversation happening about my cervix.

Apparently, at my age, it shrinks.
Good to know.

The doctor says to the nurse: Get out the lollipops.

And for a brief, shining moment, I think—yay. Finally, a system that understands incentives. A small reward for participation. Something to take the edge off.

No.

It is, of course, a mystery medical device.

There is no reward. There is just the part where it hurts more than anyone suggested it would, followed by the part where everyone acts like that’s normal.

Which, apparently, it is.

Women are very good at this—absorbing impact, adjusting our expectations downward, calling it manageable.

I read somewhere that clinicians are supposed to offer local anesthetic for IUD procedures now.

“Offer” is doing a lot of work there.

Also: the paper sheet. What is that for? It’s just…there. A gesture toward arts and crafts style modesty that convinces no one involved.

In Germany, they skip it entirely. You’re just naked. It’s less weird, somehow. More honest. Less…theatrical.

Here, we get the full production: paper, positioning, polite language for impolite sensations.

Anyway. There has to be a better way to do this. Different angles. Different tools. A redesign that acknowledges that a person is attached to the cervix in question.

I don’t have the answer. I’m just the one lying there, trying not to flinch.

But I will say this—

if we’re going to keep doing it like this,

a lollipop would not be unreasonable.